“I Don’t Know What I Need Anymore” — How to Start Listening to Yourself Again
When you’ve spent your whole life putting others first, tuning into your own needs can feel impossible. Here’s how to begin—gently, mindfully, and without guilt.
There’s a moment that hits—maybe while you’re brushing your teeth, scrolling your phone, or catching your own tired eyes in the mirror—when you realize: I don’t even know what I need anymore.
Not in the “I’m indecisive about dinner” kind of way.
In the my nervous system is fried and I’m somehow still checking on everyone else kind of way.
If this is you?
You're not broken. You’re not selfish. You’re not dramatic.
You’re just disconnected—and honestly, that makes perfect sense.
How You Got Here (and Why You’re Not Alone)
You’ve been the helper. The peacekeeper. The one who smooths over the tension, anticipates what others might need before they even say it, and makes everything “nice.”
Somewhere along the way, that became your default setting.
People call you thoughtful. Reliable. Selfless.
But when your whole identity gets built around other people’s comfort, your own needs get blurry. Or silent. Or lost.
It’s not your fault.
Maybe no one ever asked what you needed growing up.
Maybe being liked, or being useful, kept you safe.
Maybe you were never taught how to check in with yourself—only how to check out from your own discomfort by focusing on someone else’s.
So of course now, when you try to turn inward… you feel stuck.
How You Got Here (and Why You’re Not Alone)
You’ve been the helper. The peacekeeper. The one who smooths over the tension, anticipates what others might need before they even say it, and makes everything “nice.”
Somewhere along the way, that became your default setting.
People call you thoughtful. Reliable. Selfless.
But when your whole identity gets built around other people’s comfort, your own needs get blurry. Or silent. Or lost.
It’s not your fault.
Maybe no one ever asked what you needed growing up.
Maybe being liked, or being useful, kept you safe.
Maybe you were never taught how to check in with yourself—only how to check out from your own discomfort by focusing on someone else’s.
So of course now, when you try to turn inward… you feel stuck.
Why This Matters (a lot)
There’s a limit to how long a person can be everything to everyone else.
Hyper-focusing on others isn’t just exhausting—it’s unsustainable.
Eventually, it catches up to you in quiet but serious ways:
You feel anxious and don’t know why.
You feel depressed, but keep pushing.
You wonder, “Is this it?” even when life looks “fine” from the outside.
This is more than burnout. It’s an identity-level exhaustion.
When you’ve never been taught how to connect with your needs, your nervous system will eventually scream through your body to get your attention.
That existential crisis you’re feeling? That’s your soul tapping the glass.
So... How Do I Figure Out What I Need?
Here’s where I want you to start small. Start mindful.
No big journals. No complicated routines. Just tiny check-ins in moments that don’t feel high-stakes. Try these when you’re alone, when no one is watching, and no one needs anything from you.
Micro-Choice Moments
Ask yourself:What would feel good to listen to right now?
Do I want quiet or sound?
Am I sitting in a way that feels good to my body—or am I just tolerating it?
Use Your Senses
Think about:Is this temperature comfortable?
Would a blanket, a deep breath, a glass of water feel soothing?
What smell, sound, or texture would feel good in this moment?
Ask, Gently:
What do I need right now?
What would help me feel 5% more grounded?
Don’t panic if nothing comes up at first. This is a muscle that’s been ignored—not gone. You’re rebuilding trust with yourself.
You deserve a life where your needs aren’t just a last-minute thought.
You deserve to take up space in your own day.
You deserve to pause and say:
“What do I need right now?” — and actually listen.
So today, I’m offering you a mirror check.
Not to criticize. Not to fix.
But to notice. To reconnect. To remember there’s a person behind the people-pleasing.
And she’s worth caring for.
Want help getting started?
Comment or DM me “mirror check” and I’ll send you two tiny, mindful ways to start reconnecting with yourself—today.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You just have to begin.